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In a recent letter I was asked:
Hi Hal
Thank you for your article on confronting versus being assertive. And thank you for asking for feedback. First of all, I feel we have a seriously broken down way of communicating. Being assertive protects you but doesn’t seem to change other’s aggressive behavior. They just go find some else to beat down, take advantage of or prove they are right. How do you reach these folks to get them to change? How do you reach these people to realize how their behavior affect others? Why do the good, caring, loving people have to learn to defend, protect, and stand up to these bullies when it isn’t human nature to do so? Why do we have to look over our shoulder? Where did we go wrong in good ol’ fashion love and caring?
Why????
Cathy
And I replied:
Cathy -
I write extensively on natural human temperament and two of the four types are not naturally ‘loving and caring”. Choleric temperament types are hard-driving, straight ahead pushing types that care little for the feelings of others. Melancholy temperaments are highly analytical and critical and their comments can be seen as hurtful (though they will not perceive it that way).
Phlegmatic and Sanguine temperaments are more naturally warm and easy-going; and they don’t often understand why the other types seem so “mean”.
Read some of my articles on my Temperament blog at www.introvert.cc – insight can always help us cope better.
Hal Warfield
This is a malady known mostly to a Melancholy. The Melancholy temperament is highly detailed and organized. Their weaknesses include a tendency to analyze and criticize. Unfortunately this part of their make up can have unintended consequences.
A Melancholy may think you are wonderful in many ways – perhaps, if your boss, they like that you complete assignments in the proper way. If a “significant other” they may appreciate your attention to detail (assuming you’re not Sanguine!)
But if you get ‘on their bad side’ in an area; prepare to always be looked at critically in that area. This might be thought of as the ‘prosecuting attorney’ syndrome. In a trial, your defense attorney will do everything to raise ‘mitigating circumstances’ in your favor. They may bring in character witnesses or point out that you came from a broken home – anything to show that other circumstances should be considered when looking at your ‘crime’.
Don’t expect any of this to hold water with a Melancholy – you could be angelic in most areas but those mean nothing to the Melancholy. A Melancholy will put a compartment around your ‘bad’ area and will not let your many ‘good’ areas influence them.
If a Melancholy doesn’t recognize this, you will most likely need to learn to cope. A Melancholy will not be naturally inclined to look at your good areas and reduce their criticism of your ‘bad’ area. If this is the case your best approach is to keep that compartment clean and straight – otherwise it will always be a sore spot between you and the Melancholy.
I can state this with some certainty as I ARE one! The easy-going Phlegmatic temperament is the one that quietly gets along with most people. They are calm and not easily perturbed.
But every type has its weaknesses – the Phlegmatic has two: a tendency to worry and be anxious and a tendency to be lazy.
The rest of this post deals with ways I’ve learned to combat laziness – I say combat because I’ll probably never win the battle completely.
First – everyone is a blend of temperaments; one is primary and the other secondary. Use the strength of the secondary temperament to combat laziness. For example, I am a Phlegmatic Choleric – the Choleric is a hard driving “type A”. I often allow the strength of my secondary type to push through and finish tasks.
A Phlegmatic Melancholy can use the natural organizational talents of the Melancholy to organize tasks. A Phlegmatic Sanguine has no natural defense against laziness – but their Sanguine ability to interact with people might allow them to make themselves accountable to others for tasks being accomplished.
Which is another way of overcoming laziness – accountability. The term “accountability partner” usually infers someone we make ourselves accountable to. Find a friend or family member and ask them to prod (nag?) you till you finish the task.
Change the scene – staying in the same spot can foster a “who cares?” attitude. Invest in tools that allow you to work outside your normal workspace. Then pick a task, move away from your normal work area, and focus on the chosen task.
Deadlines – I almost hate using this one but a deadline can move you off the spot. The problem with this one is procrastination leading to a deadline can cause poor quality work. Use it with care.
Anyone having other ways of overcoming laziness is welcome to comment!
All of us need to be reminded of our true place in life from time to time. As an introverted personality type, I probably spend too much time considering my significance or lack thereof.
Unless you’re a master of modern mathematics, it’s almost impossible to imagine both how incredibly much smaller the universe is from us (down to the sub-atomic level) and how incredibly much larger the universe is from us (up to the level of galaxies).
C. S. Lewis said, in Mere Christianity, “Besides being complicated, reality, in my experience, is usually odd. It is not neat, not obvious, not what you expect.”
So today for your amazement and amusement is a link to the pale blue dot – a picture of our earth taken from by Voyager I from a distance of 3.7 Billion miles from earth.
Carl Sagan convinced mission control to turn the cameras of the space probe back on where it had come from – this is our earth from a distance 50 times that from the earth to the sun (93 million miles).
Does it make you think? Does it make you a bit introspective? Do you feel significant? Insignificant?
What constitutes our significance? Our buildings? Our science? How about our kindness and love and caring for one another?
Think about it.
Thanks to my friend and fellow introvert and (may I say) ‘geek’, Mike, I have the ability to look and see how folks find my blogs. There is a list that shows what was entered into a search engine that led them to this site.
Here are some of the search strings that have been used:
-Choleric and Phlegmatic and Marriage
-Networking Introvert
-Sanguine and Melancholy in Marriage
-Am I an introvert or shy extrovert?
-Introvert Jobs
-Shy introverted
-Melphleg phlegmatic personality
-Cholerics Sanguines compatible
-Basic problems of choleric person
I realize I’m still amazed by this ‘intarweb thingy’ but these searchs come from all over the planet!
And there seems to be a consistent seeking of information on temperament and personality. Therefore, I’ll just keep on posting ‘stuff’ concerning your temperament and how it affects your daily life.
It’s Friday so go easy on me, will ya?
Did you know that psychologists have studied introverts and extroverts? This article says that introversion is visible in infancy and remains stable through adolescence. So much for my parents saying, “he’ll grow out of it.”
On a “lighter” note, from the “wow, I didn’t know that!” department, The Center for Atmospheric Research has determined that a single large cumulus cloud in a summer sky weighs (wait for it, waaaait for it) 550 tons.
Something for introverts and extroverts alike to ponder.
I’m re-running a few of my favorites. There is a whole series of Dilbert cartoons where Wally is on sabbatical in his cubicle. He keeps sending out old memos and emails. Well, at least I added a new sentence at the beginning!
Since introverts tend to be more introspective – I’ve been saving links to sites that tend to make ME introspective. (For more on introspection, see my article here.)
Ken Galliott has taken the time to write a wonderful series of essays on all the reasons that “things are not as they seem”. Start your journey down the rabbit hole at his site called Seeking.
What makes you introspective? How much time do extroverts spend “looking inside themselves”? What is introspection good for? I believe we could all raise our level of interpersonal satisfaction if we would spend a bit more time doing some “inner exploration”.
My daughter wants to add her $0.02 worth to my ongoing symposium on introverts and extroverts:
I think that some people make a bigger deal about being extrovert and introvert than others. Like my father, who is the maker of this website, and my sister. They both kind of joke around with mom and me about us being extroverts. Sometimes it seems like you can be a mixture of both like me. At school I’m really shy and introverted and then I get home and I become extroverted. I think that introverts are really cool though because they don’t say hurtful things as much as extroverts do because they kind of keep it to themselves. And that is fine with me!
I return today to the “Ann Landers” portion of my site. People write, I answer . . .
One letter said: If I’m a MEL (Melancholy temperament) I’m doomed_I couldn’t see one positive trait there and in this day and age it’s harder than ever to remain thick skinned, A friend of mine down the pub noticed this was my personality type and now I feel worthless.
My reply: (chuckle) One of a Melancholy’s weaknesses is being critical; especially SELF-critical — you are neither ‘doomed’ nor ‘worthless’. First off, relax — there is not one temperament that is better or worse than another.
A Melancholy is strongest in being organized and analytical. Melancholies make excellent doctors or engineers or any profession where a highly detailed and organized person is needed. They are the types that can keep a group or job or project organized and on track.
It is true that the Melancholy, when they go too far, can be seen as critical. This is a trait that you’ll need to work on. First, even if you feel that you are absolutely right in something you are thinking or going to say, take the time to think how your comments may affect the other person. No matter how right you feel, it most often does no good to open up verbally on the other person.
You need to identify your “secondary” trait because no one is all Melancholy. Are you also a Driver (Choleric)? Or outgoing and verbal (Sanguine)? Or is there a part of you that is laid back (Phlegmatic)? It helps to know your secondary type because it affects your overall personality.
Hal
I read an entry in a (now defunct) blog called jessajune’s that commented that a blog for introverts seems a bit like a contradiction in terms. And, honestly, that opened up an avenue of thought I hadn’t considered . . .
Do people think that because a person is introverted that they are uninteresting inside? I remember as I grew up that I was considered shy, snobby, arrogant, and probably other things I’m glad I never found out.
But introverts are lively and witty and sharp and fun – inside and with a few close friends who have taken the time to learn how rich an introvert’s personality can be.
A blog or a chat room is heaven for an introvert because that inner self can shine forth in relative safety. I say relative because there’s always a chance of an unkind comment.
Which reminds me of an old, old saying – Still water runs deep . . . .
