Here is a question from a reader of one of my articles on how temperament relates to choosing a spouse.

Hey friend, I’d like to ask your opinion on marriage. Do you think opposites make best marriages? Is it important in your mind? The ones that don’t have matching temperaments (and I mean both as we all have at least two) never quite seem to thrive as well as those that are, any thoughts yourself?

Any feedback is much appreciated!

And here’s my response:

In my experience Temperament plays a vital role in marriage.  What most people don’t realize is that we are often attracted to temperaments that are different than ours.  A quiet Phlegmatic may appreciate the outgoing, talkative Sanguine.  An organized Melancholy may think that a hard charging Choleric is just like them.

The problem arises when we find out that their weaknesses are our strengths and we cannot understand how what is easy to us is so hard to them.  A Sanguine is very, very disorganized and a Melancholy finds that infuriating.  A Phlegmatic is very easy going and a Choleric is totally impatient with that approach.

You cannot help your natural temperament type any more than you can help your eye color.  Therefore it makes sense to find someone who shares some of your temperament in some way.  Remember also that each of us is a blend of two temperament types.  If you are a Choleric Sanguine (full speed ahead but also socially outgoing), you might do well with a Sanguine Phlegmatic (socially outgoing and easy going at the same time).

The most difficult combination is two complete temperamental opposites.  A Melancholy Choleric (detailed/critical and hard charging) is going to be very impatient and critical of a Sanguine Phlegmatic (socially outgoing and easy going).

I believe temperament tests are a useful tool when looking (objectively) at choosing a spouse.

Let me know if you have questions.

Hal Warfield